In 2015 I tried to catch Dirty South at the Sahara tent but that was impossible. Why? 5:50 show on Saturday and it was PAAAACCCKKEEEDDDDD….I really would have had to amp up my natural “let’s start making a path through the wall of people” tendency, but really? What’s the point? All I would get is a bunch of kids whining about being touched in a crowd as I gently-glide through (that’s a joke there. Right there).
This happens at every show but at the Sahara tent they flat out fucking cry and I’m not very sympathetic. Truth is, the Sahara should be able to handle 15,000+, but EDM draws every kid in. It’s like it’s where they need to be seen. Really, I don’t know what would be big enough. Doesn’t matter.
Sidebar: If you’re at a show and visibly upset that people are “bumping into you” then you absolutely deserve to be ridiculed, at least a little. Lucky for you, I’m here to help. By help, I mean push your buttons a little more.
Listen, I’m going to hell or wherever they send people that seem to go against life’s fictional grain. (Is this even logical? I mean, it’s all religious theory, right? Right.) The Devil and I have had a deal for years. We’re good. I have known this since I was like three and a half, driving my big-wheel through the screen door while my mother looked at me in awe, because…I COULD! I own it and TRUST me, once you own who you are (for better or worse) you’re much freer in life. Plus, all my friends and interesting people will be there, right? So we’re told…
In my personal hell, I’m sitting with Chris Martin as he gently with complete conviction attempts to explain why Coldplay is important to the world as he adjusts one of his 73 armbands and plays with his jacket badges while picking a new shade of peach to splash on his piano. (I’m slowly vomiting as I write this.) During said conversation, I try to leave. I cannot. I’m in hell. Truly. But whenever I do shake free of his soft-eyed gaze (anyone else think he has the eyes of an abused animal? Huh…Really…just me? Funny…) and get out the door, there is a crowd as far as I can see in all directions. I try to wedge myself through but I’m just constantly getting denied no matter what I try and it just never ends. Basically, the opposite of what I experience in real crowds. Sounds appropriate. H E L L !!!!
So about those crowds: I’m coming through. There’s a spot I want to get to and I’m going there. I’m going to be kinda nice. I’ll tap on your shoulder. When I do, be kind and just move to the side just a few inches. Rule #1 of dealing with people in crowds, when someone really wants to go through the crowd, let them. Push them along. Seriously.
You may not want to let me through. But no… That’s not going to work. I’m going. Around you, over you, through you, whatever, but I’m going AND I’ve just told you this exact statement in a very nice, calm-yet-determined-voice. The rest is up to you.
Pop Quiz: Has anyone who was determined to go through a crowd ever not made it? Nope. It’s not like you were ever going to stop them to begin with so just move the side and hope I don’t step on your foot. Hey, if anything, come with me. I’ll help you along. Simple.
Twitter image from @coachella feed; Thumbnail image by Gerry Maceda via Desert Sun